Sunday, March 05, 2006

Back from Vacation and feeling Downtown

You wake-up and the sun in streaming into your bedroom through the window and it looks beautiful, but you know you can't be too poetic. You are about get yourself out of bed and ask yourself the same questions you do day in and day out " what am I going to do with my life, what and I going to do with myself". You ask yourself this again and again because you truly have no idea and the more time that goes by and the less you know the less you feel like a person. And you say to yourself affirmatively as you look in the mirror '" I am a person of value, I have something this world needs", and you brush your hair and put on your make-up and wonder what it is you need to do to show the world you are not ordinary, that you truly do have something to give and that you deserve more than you already have.

You have a university degree, you have lived abroad and have traveled to parts of the world the location of which you had to consult a map for. You work at a job that pays you decent earning but it is still not enough to live more than check to check from. You do not have excessive habits, you do not love designer shoes (although you wouldn't mind a pair), you do not gamble, you smoke occasionally and drink socially regularly. You have no children although your "clock" is telling you to start thinking about it. You parents trust you know what you are doing and you wish they would shed upon you the wisdom of earlier years and tell you what it is you need to do. You do not have any pets and you can barely keep a plant alive. Your boyfriend washes your underwear without complaining and you feel happy you are in a happy modern relationship. Your boyfriend too is in his mid twenties and and too is a bit lost. You live in a city but have seen and been to and have lived in bigger cities with more art and culture and architecture, and you want to get out. You feel trapped in the flat suburban sprawl of where you live even though you live downtown.

You work selling make-up at a prestigious make-up line. People trust you. People come to you and think you will make them beautiful and transform them to be hot vixens able to attract any man or woman. You make them feel special by selling them shit. About this you feel bad. You justify it to yourself because you make a decent wage and are able to stay "creative". You have a studio and you feel alive when you go into it and create art but you have no idea how to be an artist. You realize you can not do anything from step one to twelve because you usually stop at around step six. You take on too many projects, you have too many ideas floating in your head. You want to be too many things, to see too may things, and you can not narrow it down.

You are privileged. You have too many choices and you simply don't know what to do.
You have student debt.
You are crafty.
You just got back from a holiday in France and realize it is obnoxious for you to complain, but you are back here and you are trapped, and you hate your job and you are not qualified for anything else without more school.
Everyone seems connected. And you my friend are connected to all those wonderful talented people who have no connections.
You have no idea how your life will look a year from now. It terrifies you.